Learning your Value as an Author. Learning to Say 'NO'... and the Taboo Subject of Filthy Lucre

This year, just before International Women’s Day, I was approached by a woman’s group who wanted me to talk for this big day about female empowerment and success. In a city half an hour away. 

Except…

They ‘weren’t in a position to pay their speakers’ BUT they wouldn’t charge me an admission fee for the event. And if I wanted to bring a guest, they’d get a discount on that. So let me get this right then, said my brain trying to work this out. I’d get in free to an event I was talking at (no food btw, just a sit down and listen thingy - sounds a right bargain). And it would cost me time to write a speech and I’d give up my day and it would cost me to get there in petrol. But, wait - they’d plug me to their 5k insta followers. Where do I sign up?

I’m joking, I didn’t. And when they pursued me for an answer worrying their message might have gone into junk, I was pretty tempted to reply, ‘That’s the best place for it’. 

Weirdly it seems to be women who ask women to do free events (I would like to hedge a bet they don’t ask male writers - or males ask male writers). And how even weirder it is that someone is valued enough to impart with their wisdom on a day of female empowerment, but not valued enough to even have their petrol costs covered. What message would I be giving out to women from my podium? I’ve heard from pals who have given up their time on IWD to be actually introduced on stage as people who are appearing FOC because the budget has been spent on a band/singer/juggler for the day. Surely if there is any day where women are to be respected for their expertise and professionalism it’s that day above any other. I’m sure it’s not just me who thinks that. A MUG. Nope. My PR company told them that I had been booked up two years in advance for IWD and gave them a copy of my speaker’s rates. I didn’t hear from them again. I could almost see them lifting up their handbags with outrage that I had the NERVE to think I could be paid when they were offering me such an honour. They could, however, have sent a message to say ‘thanks for the reply’. I rarely, if ever, get that after a turndown.

In the beginning, when I was building up my readership I didn’t say no to much. And it worked to a fashion, even though I did give too much of myself away. But there comes a time when that has to stop and now I have a rule that if I am asked to do an event as a professional, then I expect the going rate. Why should some companies pay for my travel, my speakers fee, a hotel and others think they can get me for nowt. It takes time to write speeches, to travel, to talk and that is all time away from my desk. People aren’t just paying you for a two hour event, there’s a lot more to it than that: the prep, the journey - all to be factored in when you accept a gig.

Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash

The c-word CASH feels sometimes almost as dirty as the other c-word. There’s something about cash in this business that makes it so hard to talk about and I’m kind of glad I have other people to ask for me (coward). But for some reason writers, while they are seen as sought-after professionals, they’re almost a different sort of pro, the sort who should be grateful someone is going to give their new book a plug on Insta in exchange for a six hour round trip and a buttered scone. 

We, as writers, should not find money vulgar, scary to talk about. Somehow I have ended up giving so much away for free because it felt ick to broker the subject of the old ‘filthy lucre’. I’m trying not to cringe even writing this. Goodness, what will anyone think of me talking about money *vision of a grasping Scrooge*? But I’m going to because I think it’s important. It is within our rights to ask to be paid for our services and it is within our rights to say NO. 

Firstly saying NO, is preferable to me saying YES and then ending up with a big fat SOFTARSE painted on one’s head. Recently, I contemplated just how much time I’d wasted because I couldn’t say NO. The amount of occasions when I’ve been cajoled into meeting up with a stranger who ‘wanted to run something important past me’. I have no idea what I expected, but I should have said, ‘Run it past me on the telephone’ and ignored their insistence that they needed to do it face to face ‘but it won’t take long’ (it invariably does). So I’ve gone out for coffees or meetings with someone I don't know from Adam and ended up wasting all morning waiting for the big reveal. It’s nearly always a favour, or their daughter/granny has done a kid’s book and wants help in getting it published and I’ve sat there thinking, ‘Why am I here when I haven’t seen my best mate for three months because I've told her I've got no time?’ I was contacted by a local businessman who bulled up his many achievements and wanted to connect me to his daughter - a ‘YouTube sensation’ - who wanted to interview me for her channel. I nearly said, yes of course, but I’ve grown up enough to do a bit of homework. I found out that the daughter was six years old and the channel had one post on it and four views. I declined politely, he didn’t reply and I could feel him thinking I was a snotty bitch through the ether. There's being polite, nice, wanting to encourage... and then there's just doing things because saying NO just feels mean. But I’ll take mean over manipulated these days. My time is ever more precious and it is mine to give away, not to be wrested from me. And it’s only taken me twenty years to realise that - but hey, better late than never. Hoping I can save you a bit of time. 

Photo by Justin Veenema on Unsplash

When it’s a local person asking somehow that NO word makes it even worse to say because they might think you’re obliged to help coming from the same town and then they’ll tell everyone you are a stuck up arse if you say NO. You’d be amazed how many of those requests never feature the word ‘please’. Can I turn up at X's birthday party if I'm not doing anything on Friday and do a speech? Can I send X a signed book because her washing machine has blown up and she's a bit down? Can I mentor someone? As a fellow local writer can you read my six-hundred page book and tell me what you think? Can I... can I... can I? So many requests, enough to fill a skip. I hate saying no, it goes against my nature, but I’ve spent so much time preparing to leave the desk to go and do something I don’t want to for someone I don’t know when the work is piled up on my desk and my deadlines are screaming at me, that eventually my brain has decided to make sure there is always a NO polished and ready for action. The word NO can be so liberating when you learn it and though I am a big believer in ‘don’t ask, don’t get’ - when you use that (as I have of course) you have to be prepared for a NO. It should offend no one. 

As a little aside, you’d be surprised how many times I’m asked for a favour or a raffle prize and the word ‘please’ never features in the request. Now, if it doesn’t, it goes in the bin. I’m worth that word.

As much as I love doing events, I have to be selective. It’s no good doing a seven hour round trip to talk to six people, however lovely they might be, especially when I'm struggling to finish a book or it's main launch period and I need as many sales as I can get because this is big business, baby, and it’s all about the numbers. But – a disclaimer – if I wanted to do that event, because it sounded fun or would allow me to call in on an old friend I haven’t seen for ages, kill two birds with one stone – I am totally at liberty to do it if I wanted to, if it were my free choice. And you have to keep that in your mind: FREE choice, not one that you’ve been manipulated into obliging. 

Beware the manipulations. The amount of times I’ve been asked to be the after-dinner speaker somewhere, often at a ‘charity event’ but as soon as I’ve mentioned a fee and petrol, I never hear from them again. In my head they are saying about me, ‘Who does she think she is? This is for sick parrots after all.’ Then I find out just how much money they’ve paid in the past for big name speakers (some of whom are totally crap - and they’ve charged £10k - and we’re feeling greedy for a few hundred.) That’s why I’ve pinned my colours to the mast of my charity (Yorkshire Cat Rescue in case you’re asking. They don’t pay their execs six figures and I’ve seen the chairs in their office and monies raised deffo don’t go on ‘swank’. They get the freebies from me). Sometimes organisers at events might say that they can’t pay a fee because they want to raise as much money as possible for their charity and every penny counts. If it was a charity close to my heart, then I could choose to do it of course. We can’t all support every charity, we can’t do everything for free. We need to pay bills and eat and buy stationery. Think about it, they’ll pay the venue, the caterers, the people who organise the tickets, themselves… but strangely not YOU - the person who they consider the main draw (see Society of Author’s guidance). Ticket prices should factor in your cost. You should NOT be out of pocket for doing an event. Not unless you want to be. 

I think if I get one more invitation to talk that says, ‘We can’t pay you a single penny but we can supply you with lashings of tea and sandwiches’ I might be tempted to… No, let’s not finish that sentence. You’ll think badly of me. But do try it with a plumber. ‘Hey Christopher the Plumber, I need you to look at my boiler. I can’t pay you, but I can give you as much tea as you can drink (smiley face emoji at this point), the pick of the French Fancies and I’ll splash your name about on Facebook to my three hundred followers.’ I imagine his reply would be full of ‘F’s and not in reference to Mr Kipling’s best. But then, Christopher is a different kind of professional isn’t he? 

Note to yourselves, never say YES to anything on the spot, especially when you’re bollocksed on gin at a social event (been there, done that too many times). You don’t have your diary on you, you can’t possibly say when you are free. You’ll come back to them. Don’t be bullied or pressured or cornered, you do not have to say YES. You do not have to explain why it’s a NO. And if you do say NO, don’t start imagining then that they have stuck a picture of you on a dartboard because you are a nasty, unhelpful, selfish tosser.

Set out your fee (and your terms - including the 'blue Smarties' rider) from the off because if they're paying you a fee, you're 'worth more' than those who don't take one. This advice is from someone who used to organise lit fests etc. So even if you were going to do it for free, don't. Take the fee and then you donate it if you wish, your choice, but you'll be treated better if you charge. You'll get the respect and the gratitude. Crazy isn't it. Handle it like your PA would handle it. Be your own PA. Invoke your inner Peggy Mount and call yourself Simone, that’s a good kick-ass name. 

I nearly always have to ask what the fee will be when approached to do an event because often it isn’t mentioned, as if the hope is I’ll forget if it's glossed over. Sometimes the answer is: ‘er… a token fee of X, although most people waive it’. Ooh, a hint there that I’m possibly being unreasonable for asking so I should give it back - you greedy cow, Johnson. It’s a breath of fresh air when you’re approached to appear and the fee is transparent from the off. And it’s both respectful and respected. I don’t bugger about with other people’s money and I don’t want mine buggered about with.

My time is money, sunshine. I have to take time away from my book which is what pays my wage. I have to work at writing a speech and you can’t write those in an hour, some take days. I have to practice, I have to travel to the event. My time is money, did I say? (I have a friend who isn’t even on Twitter because he won’t write ANYTHING he isn’t paid for. And he’s proud of it. And flipping richer than me by a country mile.)

I felt a bit manipulated recently when I was asked to do something which would have taken a lot of driving time and appearance time for bugger all recompense apart from that old chestnut ‘enough tea to drown me’ (it’s never Krug is it?) and so I asked Joanne Harris for some advice because I knew I could rely on her as a wise stick. ‘If you want to support the charity, fine, but expecting you do to it for free without giving you the choice seems exploitative and wrong’ she said. And that her experience of working for free is that all it really gets you is more offers to work… for free. Tea and bloody cake do not pay the Octopus energy company. She voiced what I knew already but I wanted someone to tell me that I wasn’t being the devil incarnate. I’m not and we shouldn’t be made to feel that way. I do few networking events, because people there are looking to link in with useful people, which is fair enough, but that usually means to us: someone who’ll do a favour. And most likely a free favour. Our time is ours to give away as we wish. As is our goodwill. Is there any other profession where people are made to feel like this? 

Lit festivals never pay a lot, we know this and accept it. But you shouldn’t be out of pocket for attending… I say again: not unless you want to be. There was a new lit fest being launched a couple of years ago by fellow author friends who quite candidly asked if there was any chance I could help kick it off. They couldn't pay and they'd understand if I didn't want to attend. I went, I turned down the nominal £20 towards petrol and I had a whale of a time. It was my choice, no one tried to bully or trick me, it was totally upfront what was being offered. It was a wonderful success which means the next time they do it, sponsors will most likely be on board and they'll be able to pay a going rate. 

Courtesy - while I’m ranting. Value an author enough to have them come to you to sell books in your shop? Then please, give them a bloody cuppa when they get there. And a thank you would be nice. Some venues even get you a sarnie and a bunch of flowers and we faint at that because, sadly, we ain’t used to it. Others won’t even make sure there’s a bog roll in the loo for you. I even give the window cleaner a can of pop when he’s doing my up and downstairs (not a euphemism). I have given him a shout-out on Facebook, but as well as his wage, not instead of it. Value value value. Who values us if we don't value ourselves? 

At a very early in my career event with a small readers’ group in Barnsley, a wonderful sadly passed lady called Juliet slid a tenner across the table to me and said ‘You’re a professional, you have to start charging you know’ when I didn’t even think of being cheeky enough to command a fee. But she was right and I never forgot that. Do an event for the WI and they pay you, let you sell your books and fill you up with butterfly buns and Brenda’s quiche. Fed, watered, good PR job, financially recompensed. Might not be a fortune - £50-£90 + petrol as a rough guide, but they're great. And they pass your details around to other WIs. Proper respect, proper value, everyone happy. By doing things for free, I’m not helping any solidarity with my fellow authors. It shouldn't be a shock to anyone to presume we should be paid for a job. It’s not greed, I’m a businesswoman not someone farting around on a typewriter for a laugh. 

Whatever you do, if someone values you enough to ask you to spin money for them in their business or be a ‘draw’, you should value yourself enough to be given what you consider proper recompense for it. Raise the money question at the beginning like a business person would. It's a JOB. They might be a charity, but you aren’t. If you enquire about servicing your boiler and the gasman then says 'It's £140' you don't slam the phone down and say 'Well, I can't believe he's mentioned a BILL. How dare he, the greedy twat. I was going to give him Jaffa Cakes as well. OPENING THE NEW PACKET TO BOOT.' 

Say NO whenever you want to. It’s not illegal. You are running things, they aren’t running you. Unless you let them and if you are - stop now. Value yourself or no one else will. 

Hope this helps.

Just in case you need it hammered home: the pic below is not a wage.

xx

Separate the Author from their Characters (please - for all our sakes!)

I was in two minds whether to write this blog piece but it’s annoying me so much that I need to get it out of my system. Yes we have the hide of rhinos, you have to in this job, but occasionally someone sticks in a pin and it hits a nerve. Yes, I'm a bit cross. 

 

I was half-expecting it, to be honest, for we live in a sensitive climate and I probably wouldn’t have touched a trans character had ‘Astrid’ not been a recurring character who has been so very well received by readers. And when I first wrote her many years ago, she was only ever meant to be a person who was in one story… but, as so often happens, some flower and grow and decide that they are going to stick around for another book. Or more, as in Astrid’s case. There was no political agenda. Yes I know women are feeling ever more subjugated, their spaces eroded (I am one, I KNOW) but this is one (fictional) person, one situation. Astrid arrived fully formed in my head as this Amazonian German with a heart as soft as a tub of Lurpak on a radiator and so I am determined not to fall out of love with one of my own beloved creations who is a great favourite among readers.

 

I’m sure the majority of readers realise that novelists have very vivid imaginations (no shit Sherlock) and we can write about things our characters do that we, as the humans behind them, wouldn’t necessarily agree with. Take for instance my latest book Same Time Next Week. I saw a comment on a readers group (yes, I am a reader too… so I have a perfect right to join as a reader) where someone said I ‘obviously had an agenda to push HRT and so I was preaching about it’ and I’m afraid I happened to reply that I absolutely didn’t – and wasn’t. I’m quite capable of writing a character whose life is transformed by some drug or a running club or a one-night stand without having my experiences at their back to call on. I’m quite capable of having a woman stay in a relationship that I would run from with my arse on fire. I’m quite capable of writing about a woman falling in love with another woman when I’m straight, or wanting to travel the world with a backpack when that would be my worst nightmare or loving caravans (or even marzipan). Maybe it’s flattering that my writing is so convincing that one might imagine it always comes from a place of personal experience, but the tone of the criticism is telling me that it’s anything but. And yes, I can tell a ‘preach’ when I hear one and I despise them. I’ve gone off one of my favourite ever authors because his books now seem to be injected with a lot of his own politics and I just want to read the book not be spouted at.

 

In the reviews of The Magnificent Mrs Mayhew, is one from someone who ripped ME to shreds because I’d chosen to write about a posh Tory family and therefore I made things very obvious which political party I didn’t support. I was dying to write and tell her that I was a floating voter because they’re all a bunch of ****ers and I end up using my votes on who is presently the least shit. But you do have to sit on your hands and swallow. But it's annoying when someone 'knows' something that is, in fact, total bollocks.

 

I was also jumped on once by a militant bunch of vegans who objected to one of my characters not wanting to share a house with someone who didn’t eat meat for fear of being judged. The character felt like that, not me… but some people just cannot separate the two and that was bloody scary with probably the scariest bullying I’ve ever encountered online until I actually called it out as that (helped by some very nice vegans who didn't jump on the bandwagon and were as gobsmacked as I was by the reaction!). But then, I have seen it often that some of the ‘be kind’ brigade can be particularly rigid and cruel and they don’t see the irony in their own actions. (Debate and differences of opinion need to come back quickly before we all crash and burn!) Then, blow me, when I wrote a vegetarian character who had a vegetarian and vegan business I was ‘pushing that agenda’ and set on by another bunch. It is possible to write about someone pushing an agenda without actually pushing that agenda yourself. 

 

 Whatever size - width or length - a character is, whatever hair colour… someone will have a pop and accuse you of singling them out. ‘You have a thing about people in HR, why is that?’ ‘Why does your villain have a big bum?’ ‘Why does your villain have a small bum?’ I had a villain with a set of braces on her teeth (at a time when I was writing the book with a set of braces on my own teeth) and I was poking fun at her, apparently. Yes I was, she was an awful character and that's how she was in my head. I was hardly saying if you have a gob like Jaws, you're a monster. I wasn't a monster for having braces (I hope). We can’t win. And I actually want to describe my characters who are all different shapes and sizes so my readers can visualise them. So I will be carrying on doing that. Niceness and nastiness, neither fit into a natural shape. There are beautiful knobheads and some of the nicest people would never get on the front cover of Vogue.

 

As for Astrid, my dear lovely Astrid, who joins a friendship group NOT a menopause group in Same Time Next Week. I am very clear that Astrid cannot go through that physical stage, but she is at an age where she is feeling that changes need to be made in her life. The book is primarily about change, not just menopausal changes. And as for the woman she chases out of the group… hello!! Women can be gobshites, as 'Janine' is and once she is gone, the energy of the group flows. One person does not a political agenda make. I stay out of all those big issues because I don’t need to lay on my readers what my beliefs are, political or otherwise, so don’t think I’m surreptitiously doing it to influence you all. I’m quite blatant about recommending things when I need to – ie Honeylove bras, P & O Cruises, M & S baby sprouts. Contention? You can keep it. I'll stay out of the debates that others are better arguing.

 

I remember when Me Before You came out and Jojo Moyes had to come out and say that the ending was appropriate for THAT ONE character, it didn’t mean that it would be right for every person in the same situation. That wasn’t the message. You can be decent and inclusive without banging a political drum and you can judge individuals on their own merits and situations as (most of) my characters do. Thank you to everyone who is delighted to see the lovely Astrid return and judges her as they find – one of those people who gets a lot of fan mail and I’m chuffed to buttons about that. 

 

I get letters that I should put more people of colour/less able-bodied/etc people in my books. No I shouldn’t. All my characters appear in my imagination as the ‘right people for the job’. Mr Singh, Charlie and Robin, Erin… they’re in my books because they turned up in my head and said ‘hello, I think we can work together.’ No, I’m not getting into virtue signalling and being ‘right on’ just to tick boxes and make myself look saintly, because that’s what it’ll come across as and give you all the ick. Besides, I’m doing my bit for the under-represented with the working class, something no one can accuse me of not knowing about first-hand. It’s my comfort zone, my world. 

 

So do give us a break. But if you are that sensitive that you need to write to an author to tell them that you are furious and will never read another of their books again because a fictitious character in one of their books has done something you don’t agree with… maybe you shouldn’t read any mmmm/f erotica, Lolita or Chris Carter books. 

 

Authors are not their characters. *drops mike*. Also Astrid is BACK and going on on cruise in book 24!!!